How are we supposed to keep writing right now?

Short answer: I'm not completely sure. But here are some things that have been helping.

On Friday morning, I had my first panic attack in over a year. I was on my way to meet my friend Laura to talk about our writing projects. Fortunately, I caught her in the restaurant parking lot, where we hugged and where she let me cry and cry into her shoulder. (Thank you, Laura.) It was sinking in just how trapped I now felt.

I am 29 years old. I do not want to have children. And of course I knew that Roe was under threat. But part of me—perhaps the same soft underbelly that was stunned by the 2016 election—just hadn’t wanted to believe it would happen.

Laura and I ate a good lunch and gave feedback on each other’s work, but the whole time we were together, my voice and body felt shaky. I drove home to get back to work on looming deadlines, wondering how in the absolute fuck I was going to get any sort of work done.

I stopped at the craft store on the way home. I bought new colored pencils. I went home and propped up in bed next to my dog and drew and listened to the new Emma Straub book, which, by the way, is very, very good. That night, I went to the movies with my parents and have never been more grateful to distract my brain with three hours in a movie theater. When I got home, I fell asleep.

Susan thinks that SCOTUS can fuck right off.

I woke up the next morning, my expression undoubtedly looking a lot like Susan’s above. How did the news manage to feel even worse a day later?

I took three naps that day, just trying to escape the doom and gloom. I ate junk. I cried. A lot.

Between tears, I kept thinking, How on earth am I supposed to get back to writing now?

I recently started a new project, one that’s been truly invigorating to write so far. When I met up with Laura on Friday, she gave me fantastic notes, as she always does. So as far as my writing goes, the circumstances really could not be better.

But everything feels so hard right now. I keep oscillating between wanting to take action and wanting to take Depression Nap #4.

My neighbors recently planted sunflowers in their yard. The petals have gradually been turning bright yellow from the deepest of reds. A metaphor?

I still didn’t have the energy to write yesterday. But here’s what I did do: I made a plan for when I eventually return to writing.

I looked at Laura’s notes again.

I made a list of ideas I felt I could expand.

I counted the ideas on the list. There were 30 of them.

Not bad.

The list gave me a lot more hope for my own work at a time when I’m feeling completely hopeless.

Below, I’ve gathered some things that have been helping me over the past few days.

I’m sharing them in hopes that they might help you feel at least 0.000001% better.

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THE IMPORTANCE OF CHECKING IN

Marlee Grace’s most recent newsletter reminded me of the importance of checking in with loved ones:

“I spend a lot of time checking in directly with people I love, specifically friends with bodies that could get pregnant. In the midst of hyperactive sharing of public resources it is really easy for me to forget what connections are right in front of me.”

Illustration by my wonderful friend Aysha Miskin

When impossibly bad things happen in the world, I have a bad habit of mistaking social media for real human connection when it is, for the most part, definitely not that! (Shocker!)

Talking to two close friends yesterday about how we were feeling turned out to be the biggest balm yet.

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OPTIMISM IS A DISCIPLINE

“If I feel the world is horrible, to be horrible myself would just be adding to the problem.” —Duncan Hannah

Mason Currey’s latest issue of Subtle Maneuvers (the best newsletter on Substack, IMHO) gave me so much strength. I’d never heard of artist Duncan Hannah before reading Mason’s gathered lessons from his journals, and I was moved by Hannah’s outlook on optimism as a discipline. It helped me see a way forward through the chaos in my own creative life.

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MUSIC!!!!

Angel Olsen’s new album might be her best yet, and I can’t stop listening to the song “Go Home,” the beginning of which is surreally apt for these times:

The world is changing. You can’t rehearse it.

Also! Jeff Tweedy recently covered Angel’s very sweet title track over on his Substack:

Big Time (Angel Olsen cover)

The day before the world crumbled apart, Sylvan Esso released a poignant new single, one that’s perfect to put on right before you sit down with your notebook but don’t have the energy or motivation to actually conjure any words. A whole mood! I’ve been playing this single on repeat, which will likely secure its place in my Spotify Wrapped and will thus give me some sort of unpleasant Pavlovian response later this year, but hey, one day at a time, I guess??

Also, I am loving the new Beyoncé single as much as the next gal, but this tweet really hits:

erin @erinallyce

Idk. Beyoncé! They might be breaking my soul, girl.

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IT’S STILL PRIDE MONTH!

Through the end of June, I’m raising money for JASMYN through my Bookshop.org shop. JASMYN does incredible work to support and empower LGBTQIA+ young people here in Northeast Florida. Fill your cart with summer reads ASAP!

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Keep eating your favorite snacks. Be gentle with yourself. Trust that you will pick up a pen or open that .doc at the exact right time for you. I know you will.

But I also know that you may need some room to breathe right now. And that is the most important thing.

Ilysm!
Hurley