Will you be my writer friend?
How to make friends with fellow writers and ask (nicely) for feedback.
The writing life can be a lonely one. In fact, that’s why I named this newsletter Lonely Victories. When writers have wins on the page, we most often experience them by ourselves.
I don’t like being lonely, though! *whines like a toddler* I’m an ~extrovert~ (an ENFJ, if we’re keeping score), so when I’m alone too long, I get gloomy. That’s why I took it upon myself early on in my writing life to make friends with fellow writers and keep those people in my orbit, even if they live far away.
Most of my writer friends don’t live near me. I have a few who are here in my hometown of Jacksonville, FL, but the others are based in Massachusetts, California, New York, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Connecticut, Michigan… in other words, all over the damn place! I touch base with many of them regularly. I want to hear about their writing challenges and wins—their own lonely victories!—and I want to share mine with them.
These phone calls and email exchanges with writer friends fill my cup, and not just because I’m an extrovert. It’s such a gift to talk to people who are as serious and passionate about writing as I am. Conversations with supportive writers remind me that writing is a thing worth doing, not some self-indulgent hobby to keep to myself.
But where do I even find writers to befriend?
Here’s where I’ve had luck making friends with fellow writers:
Classes through Catapult and The Resort! (I’ve also heard great things about Center for Fiction and Word West.)
Writing groups and book clubs at my public library!
Readings and other literary events on Zoom! (Introduce yourself in the chat and see what happens.)
Chelsea Hodson’s magnificent Finish What You Start program!
Writing conferences! (I’ve still never been to AWP, but I made a ton of friends at Lit Camp.)
Twitter and Instagram! (Once you find your people, social media becomes so much more fun.)
Writer friends can live near you. They can be far away. They can have lots of other things in common with you or nothing at all.
I recommend seeking out people who are in a similar boat as you, writing-wise and goals-wise. For instance: if you’re interested in writing a book but don’t know where to start, find fellow writers who feel the same way and hold each other accountable.
I made a writer friend! What do I do now?
Sometimes, my writer friends and I just talk about what we’re working on. What we’re reading. What’s holding us back on the page. What’s keeping us moving forward.
Other times, we’ll swap pages of our own work to review before we talk. I wrote a whole newsletter issue packed with tips for writing swaps. Check it out below!
No writer friends in sight? Seek out fellow readers!
You’ve probably heard that the best way to become a better writer is to read. You’ll gain so much writing knowledge and encouragement by chatting with others about what you’re reading. Talking about books with others reminds me that writing is a real thing I’m doing, not just some weird, useless impulse I have.
Fellow book-lovers are also incredibly useful to have around when you need a reader for your own work! When approaching a bookworm to ask (nicely) for their eyes on your writing, give them specific things to look out for. Here are some possible questions to ask them to guide their reading experience:
Where did you feel like you wanted to skim?
Where did it feel like there was too much detail, or not enough?
When you come away from this piece of writing, what’s on your mind?
There’s no right or wrong way to go about making friends with writers. Be yourself, ask for support, and always, always cheer each other on! 📣
Tell me about your BWFs (Best Writer Friends).
Where have you had luck making friends with writers? What kind of qualities do you look for in a writer friend? Tell me about your pals in the comments! 👯♀️
Really Diggin’ This
Here’s what I’ve been reading and loving (like, really really loving, more so than usual).
The School for Good Mothers — The premise of Jessamine Chan’s debut novel is simple enough. A young single mother leaves her 18-month-old daughter alone for a couple of hours. She gets caught. And that’s when the story gets dystopian as shit. Frida, the protagonist, is sentenced to an experimental institution that teaches mothers how to be more devoted to their children. Her behavior at this institution is what will determine whether or not she’ll get her daughter back.
I didn’t have any choice but to speed through this novel. I was actively hunting for gaps in my workday so I could keep reading. I had to know—had to know!—if Frida was going to retain custody. That’s the amazing thing about fiction. The need to know what will transpire in a story can become a reader’s entire heartbeat for days at a time.
Vladimir — Ho. Ly. Shit. This novel. This novel!!!! What a delicious pleasure it was to spend time in this English professor protagonist’s point of view. She is witty, sharp, and infatuated with a much younger man named (wait for it) Vladimir, a famed (and married) novelist. The protagonist’s own husband has gotten himself into a #MeToo situation in his own academic career, which of course brings up a complicated cocktail emotions for her. It’s first-person narration at its finest.
This book reminded me of the Netflix series The Chair in all the best ways. That female gazey book cover, tho?! It’s perfect. Read it and blush a lot and deeply ponder the complex relationship between desire and power.
Leave a comment and tell me what you’ve been reading and loving lately! 📖
Tell me about your lonely victories.
“I finished a piece about mental health that I delivered in church and I felt really good about it. I’m also finding inspiration by grading my students’ essays—they’re in 9th grade but I have some really talented writers and I love seeing their progress.” —Nate
This double victory makes me smile so big! Thank you for sharing, Nate. You have a lucky congregation and lucky students.
Readers! I want to hear about your lonely victories in your writing life.
Send along your big, small, and medium-sized writing victories in my reader questionnaire. I love hearing from you!
I love this - and I read the title and said "I want to be YOUR writing friend too!". I am totally not an extrovert but to me that just means I don't like large groups (conferences for instance). 1:1 connections are EVERYTHING. Even us introverts have suffered (more than we like to admit) for the last 2 years. I am only now really building writer friendships, mostly through writing circles and then side conversations that turn into phone calls and building new friendships. I have met some folks here on Substack that are evolving into friendships and I am delighted by that. Honestly, the first time someone called me a "fellow writer" I had to stop and take it in that another human also thought of me as a writer.
Hurley, I loved this newsletter, and I'm so glad to have you as a writing friend.
As an INFJ, I shirk away from certain large social events (I'll make it to a conference one day, I swear!), but still love to make writing friends. I feel so lucky to have made a whole bunch of them during the pandemic through Catapult.co classes, virtual readings, and the second city online humor and satire writing series.